If I must evaluate this...hmm...maybe this is the chance to try out my critic sheet:
Your score is 85%.
80% to 91% (Great) - Stories here may have a few errors, but the story's a great read.
My comments:
The grammar is greatly improved.
Your story is descriptive enough, and well told in the 1st person format.
Now for some bad news:
The cliffhanger is a tad...weak.
Grammar errors are present; they don't effect the story too much.
By the way, suggest any ideas for my critic sheet. It is not perfect.
Should I add some categories, redistribute points? etc.