IdentityUnknown
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Content Count
12575 -
Joined
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Last visited
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Days Won
18
Everything posted by IdentityUnknown
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89.
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Hmm...
*thinks and thinks and thinks*
Oh! You're, um... *snaps fingers* dorothy-chan!
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Fine. Astronomy freak then. =X
Google sphere...no I haven't. What is it?
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Hmm...I vaguely remember you from somewhere... *stares intently* Did we ever talk in, say a PM or something? *frowns and studies carefully*
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One of those dreams when you're just standing there, feel out of place, lost, and confused.
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O________________O IS THAT YOU? I wish that my projects would all finish themselves.
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Huh. Interesting. Me: I have no idea. Younger Sister: Ayumi. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys... *shakes head* She's cute though (when she wants to be). Mom: Eri (minus the cooking). Mom's smart, though she's not a lawyer (that would be my dad) and she cooks decently, unlike Eri. She's a little like a teenager sometimes and very much in love with my dad though she doesn't always show it. Pretty strict and too busy for her own good. Also a perfectionist, which is a bad combo. Dad: I would say Eri here, but he's a guy, so... =X Dad's kinda like Yusaku. He's smart and decently funny, nor does he mind bending the rules a little. He sucks at cooking anything that isn't dumplings though. =X
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Aeyra's covered most. I'll just add in a few notes I noticed simply by glancing at the story. First, as Aeyra said, way too abrupt of a change. Keep it in 1st person if that's the way it's going to be. Second, more description. Description, description, description. It's almost all dialogue and no description. Wife's reaction, as Aeyra noted, too mild. More emotion. Fourth, a little unrealistic in certain parts that Aeyra touched on. Odd formatting. Too fast paced. The dragon slaying took up about three sentences. Isn't it supposed to be a little more difficult? If I had time, I'd go through in depth. That's just what I noticed with a quick glance.
