Forever Lost
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10
Posts posted by Forever Lost
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My head hurts. It won't go away.
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Lol, you're fine! And don't be too worried about me—I think I'm here to stay. I've always liked the bits and pieces of canon CoAi scenes floating around the hundreds of episodes anyway, and trust me, I've read too many badly-written fics and OOC dialogue to be easily deterred by it (sad thing is, I actually enjoyed some of them x.x). I doubt yours are among them though xD Poor grammar is definitely a huge turnoff for me. I mean, I get that not everyone was educated in an English-speaking country and not everyone has the experience of being hounded on by their English teachers, but gah. Forget about awkward phrasing (which I can stand to a certain extent), just capitalize. And a few commas (maybe less) might help.
Yay! Feel free to read some, if you want
Yeah, I've secretly enjoyed some poorly-written fics, myself. I guess the thing that kills me the most is bad grammar + extremely unbelievable characters + extremely fast-paced 'plot'. It's .... the thing nightmares are made of for me. But there are some people who, while having a lot of mistakes because of ESL or whatnot, still write well. You just have to piece together what they meant to say every now and then. ^^; -
Haha, I used to mentally filter out all non-canon ship stories that pop up in FF's archives because I dumbly believed in some "purity" or whatever (OOC-ness everywhere I looked)
Then I went on a shoujo manga phase and realized just how many awesome non-canon ships and ship-fics are out there (that was a pretty crazy period of time for the fangirl in me....). Your story was the first DC fanfiction I've read in months and months, so the fact that I'm more openminded now plus my own squealing (coughcough) while reading it ended up something like *mindblow*Haha, yeah.... OOC is sadly pretty common in noncanon, but there are some people who write CoAi super well. I tend to write CoAi-ish stuff, but I'm scared to promote my stories too much in the case that they aren't that IC enough and I ruin your beautiful time in this new open-minded fangirl-indulgent place XD Usually poor grammar immediately in the fic is a good sign to just turn around and look for another story so you don't get overwhelmed by the many super OOC stories floating about XD;; (I keep reading that sentence and I'm not sure if that makes sense or not ..)
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Dear .....
You know, I always thought I had an okay grip on reality. That reality was the people around me, and the things I watched and the people and the world they created online was not reality. That one day, if I had to, I could pull away when the pseudo reality collapsed. Most of all, I determined that me online, most well-known as HaibaraDaiFan, was not necessarily real or reality, and she could be ditched. What happened to her didn't necessarily affect reality.
The problem is ... that's not exactly true. And the people in 'reality' are just as cruel as the ones that hide behind usernames and IP addresses. When I needed to be vulnerable, I once ran to this pseudo-reality. It broke me, I didn't understand. Rather, it broke HDF. It hurt her, and she began to learn how to pretend. Pretend it was okay. Pretend she wasn't mad. Pretend that those people hadn't treated her that way. Pretend that life wasn't that bad. Pretend that she could handle it. Pretend that being 'logical' was her first resort. HDF learned to shove those emotions in a box, one that didn't have a very tight seal. She spent a very long time with many people trying to sort out their issues, 'RL' or online. HDF's 'kindness' had affects on my life, though. Something about staying up until 3am on a school night crying with someone in another state or even country didn't work well for me at my 8am class.
See, though I often loathe HDF's existence and many mistakes and poor effect on my 'reality', I realize now that she and I are indeed the same. HDF, though not the best, was a leader. She tried really hard, even though often misled, to protect and serve people. She learned to handle people's issues and forgive, or try to. She learned how to keep her mouth shut even when she was hurt in order not to cause harm to others.
HDF was hurt badly. So I was almost too happy to leave her. Her 'friends' were never friends anyway, and it wasn't hard to come to that conclusion. After all, I just have to realize that they were online, people like me using a pseudo-reality as an emotional dump and escape of sorts. But what happens, now? What happens when no one cared about HDF's presence after a few months? It was okay, after all, she didn't really exist. They didn't really exist. It was all a game and people 'caring' was just a nice idea.
So when HDF is gone, what am I to do? What am I to do when the people closest to me here, in 'reality' are just as horrible? What happens when the people I pour into turn on me like they did to HDF? But I'm not HDF. I can't run to 'reality' when things get ugly. So I wonder, how real is HDF, how real am I? Because online or in person, everyone is more than happy to jump at the chance to see me fall. Everyone is more than happy to fan the flames should there be the faintest hint of something that could be a scandal or whatnot. Because I keep the darkest things hidden deep inside, so that I won't hurt you, or anyone. I keep the worst things to myself under an internal law that it cannot be spoken. Because I don't go around hurting people and I don't go around trying to be better than others. Because I try to understand your situation but you are mad because I think of consequences and haven't done any of the 'bad' stuff so I can't possibly understand.
When finally, I learn that the people close to me not only came up with a very awful thing to say, but shared it amongst each other and didn't even blink - didn't even say that it couldn't be true, didn't even think to defend me, it crippled me. It was worse when the one person who should have my back in the face of false accusations told me it was my fault. I find myself here in 'reality'. Reality where I cannot stand because I am vulnerable here. So, I wonder, perhaps HDF is more real than I thought. Because I have to be her, here in 'reality'. I have to smile and keep every single important thing locked up very tightly. Every one I trusted is no longer trustworthy. I get to do this again. I get to shield the other person involved and take the hit alone. I get to forgive my accusers and convince others not to be mean to them. I get to pretend everything's okay.
Really, HaibaraDaiFan and I are the same. And perhaps the pseudo-reality of online was more reality than 'reality' itself. Because at least here people are disturbingly more at ease to be 'themselves'. At least it's no surprise when they turn, when they say hurtful things. In the end, HaibaraDaiFan, you and I are one and the same, and I'm going to need your remaining resilience to get through this.
Sincerely,
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If anyone reads that, they probably think I have a split personality or some serious mental issues.
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Fried dough that always seems like a good idea (the yummy smell is so enticing ~) but turns out to be a terrible one once you get halfway through it.
Define parmesan. (now that we're on the topic of food)
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I dunno what this is about but I'm gonna guess it's about a relationship thingy since it sounds like that. It's not fair to say that the girl, whoever she is, is limited on the capability to make logical and sound decisions. Problem is, she is swayed by her own emotion and that's the thing making her do irrational things, such as allowing herself to be controlled by a controlling individual.
Perhaps limited capability due to the swaying of her own emotions. Not like I haven't been - it's just frustrating. I don't tend to be fair when I'm irritated, so that's a true enough statement.
In other news... I have to go on a very long shopping trip... I don't want to.
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I think ... that people are irritating and limited on the capability to make logical and sound decisions. The worst thing you can do when dealing with a controlling individual is give in to their threats. Now she's back to doing whatever he wants because he finally found something that worked to threaten her with. Stupid. If she had just ignored him, this would go down a lot better and she wouldn't have to respond to his every demand. She doesn't owe him anything.
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Nope, didn't recognize her; it was just some random girl. I haven't been having suicidal thoughts recently so I don't think it's some psychological sign or anything. It just a bit disturbing since the dream came out of nowhere.
Yeah I would find it disturbing, too. From what I understand, since it wasn't you drowning, it probably doesn't have to do necessarily with your psychological state (like implying you feel like dying or you're drowning or something), but about something different. Again, not that I have enough experience or anything... I don't know.
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Hope it'll be fixed
It was, I just got lucky that the person who called wasn't mad...
OMM: I had a dream about a girl who tried to commit suicide by drowning herself
I woke up before I could see what happened in the end
it was terrifyingly vivid, and well, umm... okay.................. I can't stop thinking about it...
Did you know the girl? Or did you just know it was a girl, but she was a stranger? Not sure that it's important, but I find that dreams that are vivid and I can't stop thinking about are spiritual and mean more than face value. Not that I'm good at interpreting them... but I have them on a fairly regular basis, so I guess at least I can empathize?
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Woah, that's quite impressive. q: You should do that more often! Record yourself reading your own texts I mean, because that was very well told, and I enjoyed listening.
Thanks! I have some others, but they're from long chapters and I tend to stumble over words a lot. It's a bit more fun to be able to take some time and read it more accurately to how I felt it should go, which is most possible with one shots.
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THERE IS NO REALITY.Its all an illusion. Its an Infinite Tsukuyomi D:
I'm going with this one
I wasn't necessarily talking about just here, btw.
Ahhh.... I messed up my phone lines and now this lady has been waiting several days for someone to call back because I thought someone else handled it. Good job, me.
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Hmm...
I remember thinking that online communities were great, that somehow you belonged or something stupid like that. Reality is, hardly anyone cares if you're gone and certainly not if you're back.
Well, if you're me, at least.
In other thoughts, I keep losing my equilibrium recently. It's bothering me.
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I might have been exaggerating a bit, haha. Would be cool if you could make stuff fun yourself though, instead of waiting for other people to make it fun for you. Life is only boring if you let it be, so do yourself a favour and spice it up a bit.
Great advice
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Really?? You suppose? Have you given up on life or something? You sound so dry and boring, I'm beginning to worry.Lol... given up on life? I wouldn't go that far - I kinda don't think I'd be able to post had I done that. I don't feel very lively, though. It could be that I've always been dry and boring o.o. I don't feel much joy at being here, and am questioning why, yet I continue to be here. I also don't know how long I'll be here, or how good it is for me to be. All of that to say....
Meh.
On my mind.... I just want to see them.
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You're back...
Yup. I suppose.
In other news, I am terribly tired.
Most likely mentally unstable.I just want this weekend to be over with. -
This is probably what one would call ... self-destructive.
I have a feeling this will subside when they return.
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For anyone who wants to join - I'm fairly certain just about anyone can. You can pm me and I'll see if I can get Identity Unknown to add your user to the list in her post if it makes you feel more official.
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Hmm.. I'm tired but happy. I have a fanfiction schedule and content to actually release. I've been bad with updating stuff then not posting anything for ages... so submitting something every Friday is a happy medium to me. Excited about a new story I'll be releasing in about three weeks.
Dear Anonymous...
in Chatroom
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