I think I am just TOO LATE with my comment now
anyway you may as well keep my notice for future written letters:
basically the letter is great!!
But, 1st the manager you're sending to, is a busy man and I dont think he is interstend in how you got your Ipod and how much money you saved for it, it would be better if you address your problem and the possible solution in your opinion to him before he gets bored of the unnesseciary info. in his point of view
2nd: when you send a formal letter, you end it with "yours faithfully" and not "Sincerely"
I am sorry if I'm too harsh with my comments but this is what I've been taught earlier about writing letters, I do send alot of letters and I made such mistakes and got warned about them, just didnt wanna see someone makin same mistakes as mine