BK201 31 Report post Posted March 8, 2011 Disclaimer: I am not Gosho Aoyama, therefore I do not own Detective Conan and its characters. Every Dc fan out there knows that XP Chapter 1 Shiho was alone in the forensics lab, studying the Medical records of the corpse she is about to examine. She was absorbed in what she's doing when suddenly she felt the door open and heard the familiar footfalls of a certain detective. "I didn't know you could pick locks. Are you practicing to be a thief, Kudo-kun?" she said, still looking at the papers on her desk. Shinichi walked in and sat on the table, hands in his pocket. "Baka! Lock-picking is essential in tracking criminals." he said, his voice echoing in the room. "Eh? So you still consider me criminal even after I've betrayed the syndicate and made the antidote for you? Now, where's your debt of gratitude?" she answered in a mocking tone. "T-that's not what I meant! And could you look at me while talking?" he said. Shiho sighed then looked at the charming detective in front of her. "What do you want, Kudo?" she asked coolly. Shinichi was shocked by the coldness in her voice. "Well, I was just wondering if you... err... already had lunch." he asked. Shiho looked up from the papers she's reading to Shinichi. She gazed intently to his face, trying to read what's on his mind. "What?" Shinichi asked, perplexed at her actions. "Nothing." she answered then her gaze went back to the papers. "Why do you want to know?" "Well, uhmm... I just want to ask if you would like to have lunch... with me." he answered. "Why?" she asked. "Why, what?" he asked back, confused at her question. "Why are you asking me? You broke up with Mouri-san?" "N-n-no! T-that's not it! She has something else to do so we couldn't eat together." he answered. "I see. A substitute, huh?" she whispered to herself. "You said something?" Shinichi asked. "No, nothing." she said then stood up, gathered the papers on the table and put them in the filing cabinet next to her desk. "You're coming with me?" Shinichi asked cheerfully. "I'm sorry to disappoint you, Kudo-kun but I already have a date with someone. Go ask someone else." she responded coldly. "A date? With whom?" he asked. "Need Not To Know..." she answered then hurriedly went to the door. "Oi, Miyano-san!" Shiho stopped and turned to face Shinichi. "What?" she asked in an irritated tone. "The guy you're meeting, is he trustworthy?" Shinichi asked. "Eh? The famous detective of the east and now the newly appointed inspector of Tokyo district is worried about me? I'm so touched. I wonder what Mouri-san will say about this..." she said with a smirk on her face. "Don't worry, tantei-san. The syndicate's gone. You don't have to protect me anymore. I could take care of myself." she added and then walked out of the room. I wonder who the mystery man is... Shinichi thought to himself. Wait, why am I bothered by that? I should be happy because Shiho is already going out with other people. She's been isolating herself ever since the defeat of the organization a year ago. It's a good thing that she's socializing now. But is it safe for her to just date with any person? I need to know who she's meeting with. It is for her own good. Yes! I need to protect her from any harm. That's it! I was bothered because it's my responsibility to protect her. And with that, Shinichi left the room and followed Shiho. ### Author's Notes: I'm still new to this kind of things so forgive me if the story is very common or there is something you do not like about it. Questions? Clarifications? Violent Reactions? Please click the 'Post' button below! Thanks! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted March 8, 2011 Okay. I know this will turn out ShinShiho(and I am a total ShinRan) but let me give you some nonprejudiced tips. First, stick with one tense. If you use 'is' stick with 'is' if you use 'was' stick with 'was'. Otherwise, it reads funny and for me it created unnecessary confusion. Second, I doubt that Shinichi is still in high school if he's a police inspector. (koukou-sei tantei) P.S. Why does he call her Shiho? If you follow canon, he would either say 'Haibara' or 'Miyano'. Otherwise, she would probably tease him relentlessly... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BK201 31 Report post Posted March 9, 2011 First, stick with one tense. If you use 'is' stick with 'is' if you use 'was' stick with 'was'. Otherwise, it reads funny and for me it created unnecessary confusion. I'm sorry about that. I'm still adjusting in using third person point of view. I always use 1st person POV whenever i write... Second, I doubt that Shinichi is still in high school if he's a police inspector. (koukou-sei tantei) Hmmm... Shinichi is accelerated in high school because he was so smart and he was directly recruited by the police to assist on their cases after the BO's defeat and eventually, he became the inspector. (I guess i forgot to put that in the story... Time to edit!) P.S. Why does he call her Shiho? If you follow canon, he would either say 'Haibara' or 'Miyano'. Otherwise, she would probably tease him relentlessly... Yeah... I was about to change that when SUDDENLY A BLACKOUT HAPPENED! So i wasn't able to change it. I'll Edit it now... And thanks for the Tips! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tna Uchiha 23 Report post Posted March 9, 2011 Hey, I like your story and can't wait to read the next chapter. Keep up the hard work! (Especially because it's a ShinShi story ) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SSJBowser 13 Report post Posted March 9, 2011 Good start, can't wait to see where this goes. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted March 10, 2011 Another comment. You had her call him 'Kudo' the first time when it should be Kudo-kun. And if you're comfortable with 1st person, write in 1st person. (unless you're really determined not to.) A little more detail would also be nice. I have a question? Did you write this onto DCW, or did you copy and paste? Because if you copy and pasted, I need to learn the magic trick you used to make the spaces work out, because whenever I post my stories (copied and pasted off of my word documents) it takes out a third of the spaces andit comesout lookinglike this. It's pretty annoying. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BK201 31 Report post Posted March 10, 2011 You had her call him 'Kudo' the first time when it should be Kudo-kun. Yes, because... I kinda like it (no reason at all). I just want her to be like that if she's mad... And if you're comfortable with 1st person, write in 1st person. (unless you're really determined not to.) Yeah.. actually, I'm really determined to learn to write in 3rd person... I have a question? Did you write this onto DCW, or did you copy and paste? Because if you copy and pasted, I need to learn the magic trick you used to make the spaces work out, because whenever I post my stories (copied and pasted off of my word documents) it takes out a third of the spaces andit comesout lookinglike this. It's pretty annoying. I copy and pasted it. I don't know why it came out like that. I used OpenOffice in writing that... Really, I have no idea... To ALL --> I'm sorry guys... I don't think I could update this soon enough... our Final Exams and I have to study DOUBLE TIME to maintain my grades... but I'll try my best to update as soon as our exams are finished... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted March 11, 2011 hmm, i'm loving this already, yay shinshi <3 now then, what others have pointed out a really good things that could help improve your writing... yeah, the tenses are a bit screwed up, but if you get someone to edit before posting, all the better right? You can have someone show you your mistakes and possibly help explain went wrong... so try to find a trustworthy editor, that's always a plus ah yes, and i do believe that he would call shiho Miyano, or Haibara as well... i don't think he'll be able to easily overcome the habit of just using the family name with no honorifics... and he would most likely call her Haibara... just because he's used to it.... even after time it won't exactly to be easy to change what you call someone... oh yes, i just remembered something... when it comes to third person, there are two types... i remember that one was called omniscent... but i forgot the other one (damn me and my forgetfulness) anyways, you could either go by mainly one character, where the reader only knows what they're thinking and not what others are thinking, or you could let the reader know what everyone in the story is thinking (or at least multiple people) so, don't forget to find an editor, and if your trying to make it so they seem a bit closer, i understand! good luck and i can't wait to read more! <3<3<3 SHINSHI-CONAI FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tengaku squared 291 Report post Posted March 11, 2011 Alright. It's been a while since I evaluated a fanfic (someone count how long), so let's get this back on track. First, I updated my critic sheet. Other then that, everything should go s m o o t h. Anyway, your score is 73%. Comments: Your story is a bit bone-bare on description. Starting Impressions: Maximum: 1 point Is it neat? (Double spacing gives me a queer feeling.) 1/1 Format: Maximum: 2 points Is the format concrete (third person it stays, indeed. )? 1/1 If it is not, does the author give warning of a format change? (see above) 1/1 Does the format make sense for the story? (You know, I like first person in a story. That shows skill. ) .5/1 Grammar & Punctuation: Maximum: 3 points Are there any errors? (I found subject and verb issues and other stuff) .5/1 Do they impede, or disrupt the story? (Truthfully, I had to DIG to find those errors.) 2/2 Personality/OOC: Maximum: 3 points Do characters have any sense of personality? (Mmmm...not really. ) 0/1 Are characters OOC (out of character?) (Kudo/Conan says Ba-rou, not Ba-ka, and adresses Miyano as Haibara. Cause I don't know how Haibara/Miyano addresses Ran, I can't critique you for that. ) 1.5/2 Plot: Maximum: 5 points Does it make sense? (Well, you tried to give background. It wasn't enough.) .5/1 Does it generate excitement, or otherwise spark interest in the reader? (Yawn. Nothing particularly eye-catching) 1/2 Is there any order in the plot, however unobvious? (You know...maybe.) 1.5/2 Overall Presentation: Maximum: 6 points Does it leave the reader overall satisfied? (Not too much. It's like thin soup. You eat it, and you feel empty.) 1.5/2 Does it leave the reader wanting more, or leave on a great conclusion? (Wanting more. Hmm. Let me get back to you on that.) 1.5/2 Does it show effort? (I'm curious. Can you make the fanfic more descriptive? ) 1/2 Total: 20 points. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BK201 31 Report post Posted March 12, 2011 Hey, I like your story and can't wait to read the next chapter. Keep up the hard work! (Especially because it's a ShinShi story ) Thanks! Good start, can't wait to see where this goes. Thank You! hmm, i'm loving this already, yay shinshi <3 now then, what others have pointed out a really good things that could help improve your writing... yeah, the tenses are a bit screwed up, but if you get someone to edit before posting, all the better right? You can have someone show you your mistakes and possibly help explain went wrong... so try to find a trustworthy editor, that's always a plus ah yes, and i do believe that he would call shiho Miyano, or Haibara as well... i don't think he'll be able to easily overcome the habit of just using the family name with no honorifics... and he would most likely call her Haibara... just because he's used to it.... even after time it won't exactly to be easy to change what you call someone... oh yes, i just remembered something... when it comes to third person, there are two types... i remember that one was called omniscent... but i forgot the other one (damn me and my forgetfulness) anyways, you could either go by mainly one character, where the reader only knows what they're thinking and not what others are thinking, or you could let the reader know what everyone in the story is thinking (or at least multiple people) so, don't forget to find an editor, and if your trying to make it so they seem a bit closer, i understand! good luck and i can't wait to read more! <3<3<3 SHINSHI-CONAI FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you very much for the tips you gave me... I'll try my best to do the next chapter better... Alright. It's been a while since I evaluated a fanfic (someone count how long), so let's get this back on track. First, I updated my critic sheet. Other then that, everything should go s m o o t h. Anyway, your score is 73%. Comments: Your story is a bit bone-bare on description. Starting Impressions: Maximum: 1 point Is it neat? (Double spacing gives me a queer feeling.) 1/1 Format: Maximum: 2 points Is the format concrete (third person it stays, indeed. )? 1/1 If it is not, does the author give warning of a format change? (see above) 1/1 Does the format make sense for the story? (You know, I like first person in a story. That shows skill. ) .5/1 Grammar & Punctuation: Maximum: 3 points Are there any errors? (I found subject and verb issues and other stuff) .5/1 Do they impede, or disrupt the story? (Truthfully, I had to DIG to find those errors.) 2/2 Personality/OOC: Maximum: 3 points Do characters have any sense of personality? (Mmmm...not really. ) 0/1 Are characters OOC (out of character?) (Kudo/Conan says Ba-rou, not Ba-ka, and adresses Miyano as Haibara. Cause I don't know how Haibara/Miyano addresses Ran, I can't critique you for that. ) 1.5/2 Plot: Maximum: 5 points Does it make sense? (Well, you tried to give background. It wasn't enough.) .5/1 Does it generate excitement, or otherwise spark interest in the reader? (Yawn. Nothing particularly eye-catching) 1/2 Is there any order in the plot, however unobvious? (You know...maybe.) 1.5/2 Overall Presentation: Maximum: 6 points Does it leave the reader overall satisfied? (Not too much. It's like thin soup. You eat it, and you feel empty.) 1.5/2 Does it leave the reader wanting more, or leave on a great conclusion? (Wanting more. Hmm. Let me get back to you on that.) 1.5/2 Does it show effort? (I'm curious. Can you make the fanfic more descriptive? ) 1/2 Total: 20 points. Thanks for criticizing, Mohorovicic! (LOL!) I'll do better next time... (hope so!) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted March 12, 2011 Thanks for criticizing, Mohorovicic! (LOL!) I'll do better next time... (hope so!) tsk, tsk, tsk, his name is Mochi! XD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tengaku squared 291 Report post Posted March 13, 2011 tsk, tsk, tsk, his name is Mochi! XD No, it's Moho-kun! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted March 13, 2011 No, it's Moho-kun! you mean Mochi-kun? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted March 13, 2011 you mean Mochi-kun? I call him Momo-kun! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BK201 31 Report post Posted March 15, 2011 Then i'll call you Moho-kun... is that okay? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted March 15, 2011 nonononono, he's MOCHI~KUN ^^ either that or Mo~chan Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aeyra 260 Report post Posted March 15, 2011 Mo-chan? That's a fun name.... How about Momo-chan though? I like that one better actually. Back to the story. Detail is important! Tell us more about the surroundings and what they're doing. Maybe for Shinichi (though he'd never do this for Ai. Only for Ran cuz he's in love with Ran, not Ai. ) you could say he was stuttering as he stared at the ground, face turning red as he spoke. And for Ai, stared coldly and apathetically. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BK201 31 Report post Posted March 16, 2011 Mo-chan? That's a fun name.... How about Momo-chan though? I like that one better actually. Back to the story. Detail is important! Tell us more about the surroundings and what they're doing. Maybe for Shinichi (though he'd never do this for Ai. Only for Ran cuz he's in love with Ran, not Ai. ) you could say he was stuttering as he stared at the ground, face turning red as he spoke. And for Ai, stared coldly and apathetically. Okay! I'll do that in the next part... (I'm too lazy to edit... XP) nonononono, he's MOCHI~KUN ^^ either that or Mo~chan Then Mochi-kun it is! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kiel95 86 Report post Posted March 16, 2011 Then Mochi-kun it is! yaaay mochi~kun <3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
