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Dear Anonymous...

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Dear Anonymous,

See! If it were like that, it would all make perfect sense! Your age, your schooling, and... well, everything else! Although it is a sad theory... as much as I like to think of it, I hope it's not true.

-me.

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Dear Anonymous,

I was happily dwelling on the past before I realized that I was dwelling on the past. I'm sorry.

Am I a hypocrite? Is that why I was abandoned?

-Sakila

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Dear Anonymous,

PLEASE PLEASE! it's all over the news, just copy it from there, don't make me write an analysis of the situation. :( I don't get paid anyway :V

-Loyal Servant.

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Dear Anonymous,

I'm not jealous or envious or angry or anything. Actually I didn't really want to come after I knew who was going. Plus I did have lots of plans I needed time for, and here it is! So you guys just have fun for the time being. I'm happy for you; all of you really wanted to go. Enjoy it! ^_^

The Youngest.

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Dear Anonymous,

See? It's appearing. You can't hide it anymore. When we first met, five years ago, you were such a perfect faker and an amazing friend I couldn't believe it myself; but only two years ago, when we got to know each other better, did I know the truth. I used to hate that poor girl, but now I really sympathize with her, one of the reasons being the way you treated her. And don't tell me she lied; it was her parent contacting us, informing us that it threatened her. Afterwards, I was asked by several people the same question about you: "What HAS she done?"

What HAVE you done? ...Honestly, I'd rather not mention the things you've done. In case your worrying about what I said to those people, I just smoothly changed the subject.

I'll never forget that ugly smirk you'd have on your face when you did the things you've done. How could I have fallen for the trick? I struggled against my emotions. I didn't know what to do. Was it just a mistake, a once-in-a-lifetime mistake? That's what I decided later on two years ago.

Thankfully, though, that girl appeared the next year and showed me the truth. Not that she was better than you are.

How could you invent such lies about an innocent person? So maybe she had her own faults, but we had nothing to do with them! Couldn't you just have left her alone?

She showed you something I wrote she wasn't supposed to show you. Though now that I think about it, I never really told her not to. Anyway, that just confirmed your two-faced-ness.

I don't know why I'm doing this in the first place but I am.

-me.

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Dear Anonymous,

Remember when we were friends?

I remember.

I remember how you were when I first met you...so bitter...going nowhere in life. Depressed, melancholy.

I tried to help, I really did. And for a while, everything seemed okay. You seemed more cheerful. Happier. Ready to do something...anything.

But then things started to go wrong again. I don't know you well enough but you know the specifics.

And then when things settled down again, life got busy. I got busy. We drifted apart. But you stayed my friend and I stayed yours. I'd occasionally wonder how you were and I never forgot.

And then that day...

I hated how you had begun to sink into a depression again, how you threw yourself down for the sake of others, how you based your life around others' opinions. I probably shouldn't have cared that much--after all, in a way I barely knew you--but I did care. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did. Maybe it was because in my mind, you were my friend. Maybe it's because I'd been there before...I'd tried to please everyone and in the end, when everyone left, I was just there...feeling empty. Maybe I didn't want you to go through that as well, to become the girl who did everything and felt like nothing.

So I got angry. I was desperate. I tried so hard to tell you that I cared about what happened to you and that I wanted you to be happy. I tried so hard to tell you that you needed to get a grip and stop molding yourself to fit other people. Because I don't want you to be someone I like, I want you to be you. That would've been enough.

But you took my anger the wrong way. Our friendship ended that way. Yet, I don't regret what I said. I don't take those words back because I meant them and I would still say them again if I got to choose again. I don't want you to feel empty, like what you're doing is meaningless.

Maybe once, I was good at giving advice. Maybe once, I was good at making people feel better about themselves. Maybe I still could be. But inside, I feel that those days are gone. I never did give good advice. Someone once told me never to say I was good at advising others. For a while, I thought he was scoffing at the idea that someone my age could be "wise" or give "advice" and was offended. But I've come to realize that what he says is true. When you advise others, you become responsible for what happens to them because of your advice.

Yet still...

Maybe it would've been better if we never met.

Maybe...

I don't want to mend our friendship. Not because I'm angry or bitter or sad or mad. I don't want to mend our friendship because in the end, I can't do anything but hurt you. I don't usually get into arguments with friends. Is that because I'm not close enough to them? Because I push them away?

All I want is for you to be happy and to live a life worth remembering. To not be constrained by what others think of you. Because you could be so much greater and better and more amazing. You could do so much.

This isn't my apology. This is my goodbye. My farewell to our friendship and my trust that somehow you'll find a way to be amazing.

~ A friend

"If I lay here. If I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

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Dear Anons,

My heart grew too big for its cages. Just like I knew it would. With my wannabe over-achieving goals and bursting-at-the-seams ego, it was only a matter of time before I slipped up and said something I wasn't supposed to. Something I wasn't allowed to.

"You weren't a part of the deal."

Maybe I should have taken the hint downstairs. I was never supposed to go in the first place. I'd always been the odd one out. The third wheel. The brunette of the blondes. The pink heels with no ruffles on the wedding dress.

I'm not poor. I'm not rich either, but my family isn't starving to death. Please, don't degrade me like that, I can see it in your eyes. I'm able to afford everything I need. And yet, why am I not ashamed to ask? No, that's not the point here. The point is that you looked down on me. You think people can't donate using credit cards? I don't need it. I need peace of mind. I need good grades. I need a loving family. I don't need money to be happy. I'm not the kind of person you can look down on. Please stop flaunting it. Please. "What should I get for my birthday? Well, I already got a car. I want to get either a diamond ring or a new laptop. I could just get both. Maybe I should get the iPod 5, too? Oh, no I already have the iPod 4, I'll just wait until the iPod 7." Haha, funny. "How about this [ridiculously simple] $600 dress [that my mom can probably sew up at home for me for free]?" It's aggravating. You're obviously saying all this just to show off how much money you have. And then you have the nerve to turn around and say something like the "less fortunate people around me"? Wow. Just wow.

Of course I deserved that "I dunno" you gave me. As long as I can change the subject, I'm fine. Why do I even try? I saw those people smiling and felt a tingle go through me. And that's when I knew that they were all treating me like I was an outsider looking in. I've been through my phase before, and it was during a sensitive time too. And the one person who helped me through it the most disappeared. So right after I finally reached my goal, I'd tried to thank them and they were gone. And I haven't seen them in so long. And now I'm feeling like a jerk because I'm treating someone so wonderful as a crutch to lean on whenever society rejects me. I'm sorry to everyone.

I'm scared. And I don't wanna come over. Spare me. All of these lies are only waiting to be discovered. Funny isn't it? How much more evil can I get since I'm no longer on the first page? For a person such as that. For someone I haven't seen in months, dare I say truly seen in years. It''s cruel, isn't it?

Signed,

Sakila

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Dear anonymous,

I...I think I'm starting to figure things out.

Maybe it was right to just believe what she was saying. It was really you...the person who scared the hell out of her. But I can promise one thing: I'll make sure that you're the one to dig your own grave. No one else is going to do it for you; not even I. I've long been trying to put up with it. But now, I'm going to undress your best-dressed lies, and reveal the naked truth everyone has been dying to know. Better assemble your defenses right away.

~ me

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Dear Anonymous,

If someone asked me, I wouldn't be able to answer. I think I'd leave it to you.

It is kinda awkward, isn't it? It HAS been a long time ever since, but it seems to have been even longer... looking back, I can't even do what I used to. My life revolved around what happened to us. Now it feels like it's smashed into pieces...

Sometimes I doubt that we will ever know the truth, or at least what we want to know.

I hate to think that things will never be the same.

-me.

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Dear Anonymous,

For the love of all that is holy, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

You think you can just come waltzing into someone's home at 11:00 at night without any prior notice and just stay for a week?! No! We have our own frickin' lives okay?! But that's not the point. What are you, a 13-year-old loser? You're frickin' 19!! Grow some common sense in that stupid brain of yours!! You can't rent a car, run away from home, and pop up at our house. Which is, by the way, THREE STATES OVER!

What in the world is wrong with you?! I don't think I can even consider you family anymore. YOUR FATHER IS DYING AND YOU'RE TRAIPSING AROUND MY HOUSE WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD!! Do you honestly not realize how much your mother has done for you?! Do you not realize that she raised you frickin' single-handedly?! She's had to put up with your deadbeat of a gambling addict dad for over two whole decades! The least you could do is frickin' support your mother at this time! But noooo, oh no! Of course not! Instead, you merely heard your mother complain very very very vaguely about your behavior issues over the phone LIKE EVERY OTHER MOTHER HAS DONE and ultimately decided to not talk to her for a month. Fine! Fine then, don't talk to the woman who raised you. But then WHY are you still living at her house? WHY are you expecting her to cook for you three times a day? WHY are you expecting her to clean up after you? If you're really THAAAAAAT great, THAAAAAAAT amazing, why do you still depend on her?!?!?!

You probably don't remember, huh? When you were young, my aunt was still new to America. She couldn't ride the subways alone. So even in the middle of winter, while it was freezing to death outside, she walked ELEVEN blocks with you in tow twice every day to pick you up and drop you off at school! In the past, you've woken her up at FIVE in the morning JUST because you wanted to drink tea! AND SHE DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED.

That woman was the one who carried you for nine months! That woman was the one who put up with you for nineteen years! YOU DARE TO DISRESPECT HER LIKE THAT?!

The only reason--THE ONLY REASON--we're letting you crash at our house for this week is because your mother called and BEGGED my mother to let you stay and keep you happy. THAT IS THE ONLY REASON.

It hurts to see that she's STILL only thinking of you. How could you ever do something like that to her?

I'd like everyone to know how much of a JERK you are! HEY WORLD! HEY UNIVERSE!! HEY DCW!!! EVERYONE! T------ I---- IS A GRADE A JERK WHO ONLY THINKS ABOUT HIMSELF!!! HE'S PLAIN OUT SCUM.

Signed,

Your Cousin

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Dear anonymous,

I'm really surprised to see that you're still checking on that. Yep, I caught you.

~ me

Dear anonymous,

NO NO NO NOOOO I'm not excited to have you back. We were able to live our lives without you, and we still will.

~ me

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Dear Anonymous,

I wonder. Is it actually possible?

I'VE BEEN WANTING TO KNOW EVERYTHING FOR 10 MONTHS!

Is that why you're doing it? You don't want me to think it's fine? I know, I KNOW! JUST TELL ME!

...me.

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Dear anonymous,

I'm not mad at you. I was hurt, but I never hated you. I was never mad at anything you've said or done. I just hate myself sometimes for trying to strike up a conversation with you, and you sound so cool at first...but at some point, you're starting to get serious and cold and that was what's actually holding me back from telling everything I want to say. Yes, I acted stubborn at times, and maybe I was right to think that you can't put up with it any longer.

I, too, knew that you were my friend back then. You were always there for me whenever I feel lost. You were good at giving advice, really. I wasn't just paying attention. I wasn't just listening. Because I'm too used to thinking that no one actually cares that I seemed like I always ignore all those good things you kept telling me. But maybe...it was all true.

I would've wanted to say that we could probably start anew. I would've wanted everything to be the way they were back then. Those times when I felt so down and you did everything to make me feel better...and so I did. But I reverted back to my old self with such insecurities. I wouldn't have let that happen if only...I haven't let those get under my skin once more.

You probably don't want us to patch things up and just forget everything. You probably despise me for being like this. You probably don't want me by your side anymore. But you will always be my friend. You probably won't believe me, but sometimes...sometimes, I just want to apologize and ask for forgiveness...but I was too afraid. I haven't mustered enough guts yet to tell you those things. I don't think you'd believe me; I can't say I have changed, but I'm starting to peel these negative feelings off of me and living the life I have right now. Gotta make it meaningful, I know.

...But believe me when I say you were my friend. You still are.

~ Me.

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Dear Anonymous,

I have no idea what's going on. Yet I'm expected to act normal, like nothing's happened, or at least that's what it seems like. Do you know how much your doings frustrate me? I want to know what's going on, but I'm too shy and afraid to confront you. It makes me want to cry, just like I have many times without telling you. Ever since I got to know you, I don't recall a single day in my life in which I did not think about you, worry about you, worry about us.

For very brief periods of time, sometimes, I think it's okay, but as soon as you start ignoring me again, or at least appear to be doing so, you start haunting me, like you're a sun far away, laughing at a crying planet burning with your heat...

Just... I don't know what's going on! I can't understand!

... but sometimes I'm bound to think its my fault, that I must have done something wrong...

Maybe.

-no one.

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Dear Anonymous,

You know what really sucks about the internet and forums and whatever it is? People always end up leaving and once they do, you have next to no way of getting them back.

You were fantastic. Amazing. Great. You still are. And I could never despise anybody for anything. At least I haven't so far. The scary thing is, I don't think I've ever been truly angry. That makes me worried about what might happen if that ever happens.

People don't want to get close because they're afraid of breaking again. I just feel that I can't be there. I can't stay here. I will never be as committed to being your friend and to being there for you as I would like to, as I used to and in the end, I know that it'll crumble away.

Our friendship was good. I'd like to think that after it, you were happier. Maybe, maybe not. But everything ends. And every beginning is just another beginning's end. If you're going to start again, you have to let go of something. You can't hold onto everything forever.

I forgive you.

And I'm sorry as well. It's not always easy asking for forgiveness.

Good luck. I'm sure you'll be amazing.

~ Jean

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Dear anonymous,

It's okay. I felt the same way. That's the reason I didn't want to get too close to you in the first place. I've always been afraid that you'll only ditch me in the end. But I'm sure, you're not that kind of person. I know you won't and can't do that to your friends.

So I guess this really is goodbye. I'll try to be amazing the way you wanted me to. You're amazing, too. Probably the most amazing of all people I've met here. And you're not emotionless. Because if you were, you wouldn't have cared that much not only for me, but for all of your friends here, the way you did. You yourself don't even have to try to please everyone. You don't know how much I look up to you.

I genuinely and deeply cared for you. You know it. Your words affected me more than anybody else's. And...if you ever think of staying here, maybe for good, you can always tick my inbox for a message whenever you got a problem or anything, and we can probably talk things over. Yes, I guess that's probable...

And I know this is too much to ask, but I'm hoping that you could at least greet me on my birthday. Late or otherwise. I remembered yours, whether it's real or not.

Sincerely,

Me.

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Dear anonymous,

If you ever get to look me straight in the eyes saying those things, would it have been a little harder for you to just let me go off like that? Even just...a little...? Somehow, I was hoping for a yes. But I doubt you'll ever say what I want to hear.

~ someone you barely think of

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Dear Anonymous,

Hey, isn't this enough? Haven't you proven yourself yet? Surprisingly, the whole world has continued moving on, but I'm still trapped within yesterday. It's over now, end it already. It's really frustrating for me. I won't know if my feelings have changed until I'm able to test them out. I miss you.

Love,

Sakila

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