The Uprising: Prologue

[Aeyra 260]

Lol.

My teacher takes off points if the format isn't exactly the way he wants it...

*smiles*

I'm pretty sure you guys would all be surprised if you knew my actual age...

TELL US PYRE. IF YOU DON'T, I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs after Pyre with chainsaw*

@scarletmoon: Your edits fixed it up a bit, but your tenses are still shaky. Try and stick with present or past, but past works better for 3rd person, otherwise it sounds too much like a play. I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds really stiff, and it's still not as detailed as I'd like it to be. By stiff I mean the sentences don't seem to flow as well as they could, I'll fix up one part here to show you.

The woman slowly coming back to her senses sarcastically remarked to her companion The woman slowly came back to her senses, remarking sarcastically to her dark-haired companion, “I didn’t know that you were planning this. Maybe I should have packed better lingerie, or did you bring it?” Her tone was low and joking, but deadly serious underneath.

Maybe that sounded somewhat perverted, but I think that was what you were trying to convey. Right? (I'm going to go smack myself now because as a thirteen year old I shouldn't be writing that stuff ever... Excuse me... *loud cracking noise*)

[scarletmoon 1]

i like what you did to edit it

it's written well, much better than what i can do XD sure i can come up with ideas, its the writing part o mine that sucks

but i love how you edited it ^^

haha. Thank you Kiel

[scarletmoon 1]

TELL US PYRE. IF YOU DON'T, I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs after Pyre with chainsaw*

@scarletmoon: Your edits fixed it up a bit, but your tenses are still shaky. Try and stick with present or past, but past works better for 3rd person, otherwise it sounds too much like a play. I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds really stiff, and it's still not as detailed as I'd like it to be. By stiff I mean the sentences don't seem to flow as well as they could, I'll fix up one part here to show you.

The woman slowly coming back to her senses sarcastically remarked to her companion The woman slowly came back to her senses, remarking sarcastically to her dark-haired companion, “I didn’t know that you were planning this. Maybe I should have packed better lingerie, or did you bring it?” Her tone was low and joking, but deadly serious underneath.

Maybe that sounded somewhat perverted, but I think that was what you were trying to convey. Right? (I'm going to go smack myself now because as a thirteen year old I shouldn't be writing that stuff ever... Excuse me... *loud cracking noise*)

lol. you are pretty good at this though(although it is perverted at leeast you got my point)

i will fix it again once the next chapter is up

[Aeyra 260]

lol. you are pretty good at this though(although it is perverted at leeast you got my point)

i will fix it again once the next chapter is up

Thanks... I try my hardest... (still having hard time believing I wrote that *smacks self*) That was just my perfectionist Asian personality showing through. I do it for almost everything... Except for unimportant homework and stuff. For writing, I try to attack it, but it's hard to edit when you're half asleep. ^-^

[scarletmoon 1]

Thanks... I try my hardest... (still having hard time believing I wrote that *smacks self*) That was just my perfectionist Asian personality showing through. I do it for almost everything... Except for unimportant homework and stuff. For writing, I try to attack it, but it's hard to edit when you're half asleep. ^-^

yeah i know. haha :-D

[IdentityUnknown 216]

TELL US PYRE. IF YOU DON'T, I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs after Pyre with chainsaw*

Have you ever noted that if you kill me you'll never find out?

*runs away*

[Tna Uchiha 23]

That's great, ScarletMoon! Much better. Keep it up for the next chapter, I'm looking forward to it xD

[scarletmoon 1]

That's great, ScarletMoon! Much better. Keep it up for the next chapter, I'm looking forward to it xD

thanks Tna

[Kiel95 86]

TELL US PYRE. IF YOU DON'T, I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs after Pyre with chainsaw*

@scarletmoon: Your edits fixed it up a bit, but your tenses are still shaky. Try and stick with present or past, but past works better for 3rd person, otherwise it sounds too much like a play. I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds really stiff, and it's still not as detailed as I'd like it to be. By stiff I mean the sentences don't seem to flow as well as they could, I'll fix up one part here to show you.

The woman slowly coming back to her senses sarcastically remarked to her companion The woman slowly came back to her senses, remarking sarcastically to her dark-haired companion, “I didn’t know that you were planning this. Maybe I should have packed better lingerie, or did you bring it?” Her tone was low and joking, but deadly serious underneath.

Maybe that sounded somewhat perverted, but I think that was what you were trying to convey. Right? (I'm going to go smack myself now because as a thirteen year old I shouldn't be writing that stuff ever... Excuse me... *loud cracking noise*)

geez, you are a perverted little 13 yr old XD... then again... when i was 10-11 i was reading Hot Gimmick... but i was one of those people that was really embarrassed when reading it (but i hate stopping in the middle of a story) now that perverted stuff doesn't phase me -.-'

yeah... some of my writing has even turned perverted since i've read too many stories with that content >///< so i guess i'm not much better... i mean... i'm only 2 yrs older... (well 3 yrs older in 2 days XD, but still... i really need to clean my mind... if only my friends weren't the type to make jokes revolving around sexual inuendos and such -.-')

[scarletmoon 1]

geez, you are a perverted little 13 yr old XD... then again... when i was 10-11 i was reading Hot Gimmick... but i was one of those people that was really embarrassed when reading it (but i hate stopping in the middle of a story) now that perverted stuff doesn't phase me -.-'

yeah... some of my writing has even turned perverted since i've read too many stories with that content >///< so i guess i'm not much better... i mean... i'm only 2 yrs older... (well 3 yrs older in 2 days XD, but still... i really need to clean my mind... if only my friends weren't the type to make jokes revolving around sexual inuendos and such -.-')

hahaha. she got you ayera

wait a sec... you're younger than me?!

[Kiel95 86]

hahaha. she got you ayera

wait a sec... you're younger than me?!

ummm... i'm 16 tomorrow... aeyra is younger

[Aeyra 260]

hahaha. she got you ayera

wait a sec... you're younger than me?!

Well, I am. Eighth grade, and a year younger than everyone else in the grade! XD Yeah, I'm thirteen. Not turning fourteen until October... Guess I'm pretty young for this site, aren't I...? Quite perverted for a thirteen year old, though I'd never even use those terms for real... *shudders at thought* only in writing.

[Kiel95 86]

Well, I am. Eighth grade, and a year younger than everyone else in the grade! XD Yeah, I'm thirteen. Not turning fourteen until October... Guess I'm pretty young for this site, aren't I...? Quite perverted for a thirteen year old, though I'd never even use those terms for real... *shudders at thought* only in writing.

if you met my friends... sexual inuendos would be a part of life -.-' its pretty bad... hilarious... but bad XD

[IdentityUnknown 216]

Well, I am. Eighth grade, and a year younger than everyone else in the grade! XD Yeah, I'm thirteen. Not turning fourteen until October... Guess I'm pretty young for this site, aren't I...? Quite perverted for a thirteen year old, though I'd never even use those terms for real... *shudders at thought* only in writing.

You are a bit young for eighth grade...young for this site? You're on the younger side, but you're not too young. I've seen someone who's 11 on here. Perverted? Nah.